What To Say To a Miscarriage Survivor

Yesterday I wrote about what not to say to a miscarriage survivor. I felt it was important to start with the negative because so many people don't even realize that what they are saying is hurtful.While there seems to be so many more wrong things to say, I wanted to highlight that saying the right thing can make a difference.

I truly believe that miscarriage is unfairly brushed under the table in our society. It's taboo to talk about and women often stay quiet when they suffer a loss. Because of this, people often don't know what to say when a loss does occur. Here's a guideline of what you can say if a friend/family member of yours suffers a miscarriage.

What To Say To A Miscarriage Survivor

I am so sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is exactly that, a loss. Please treat it as you would any other loss.

How are you? Asking this simple open ended question and actually meaning it (not just using it when greeting somebody) means more than you can know. 

You and your family are in my prayers. As somebody of faith, this simple act is always a source of comfort to me.

I’m here for you. This is one of the best things you can say. It lets her know that you care but doesn’t put pressure on her to open up if she isn’t ready or answer a bunch of  questions.

Is there anything I can do for you? Most likely, she will say no but it’s the thought that counts. Just knowing that you care enough to ask is enough. And if there is something she wants from you, be respectful that she felt comfortable enough to ask. 

Please remember, everybody grieves differently. Be conscious of a miscarriage survivor’s needs. Some women want to do nothing but be alone, others want constant support and companionship. If she shows signs of wanting to be alone, give her space but don't disappear completely. If she seems to want you around, then stick around. Personally, I wanted a little bit of both. Some days I preferred to be alone with my thoughts and emotions, but other days I wanted a “mental escape.” 

I’ve been so lucky that my best friend, Stephanie, has been able to provide that for me. She’s spent a lot of time with me the last two months and she seems to know exactly what I need. We’ve gone on a road trip, went running, watched movies, been shopping and million other little things that take my mind off of the depression I’ve been feeling. She hasn’t pressured me to talk about my grief, but she always has an open ear when I do want to talk about it. And I will never be able to thank her enough for it.

While I hope that nobody you know ever has to go through the pain of a miscarriage, I know that realistically, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in her life. My hope is that after reading this you will better know how to handle talking with a woman who has experienced a loss.

What Not to say to a Miscarriage Survivor

I wrote this post because I feel miscarriage isn't talked about enough in our society, which makes people unsure of what to say when it does happen. This is by no means an all inclusive list, but just a sampling of things that were personally said to me. Hopefully, this will help whoever reads this post to be more sensitive if they ever have a friend/family member experience loss.

Disclaimer: If my friends/family feel they might have said one of these things to me, please don't feel guilty. I know nobody said anything to be malicious and purposely hurt my feelings during this difficult time.

What NOT to say to a Miscarriage Survivor

At least you weren’t very far along. It doesn’t matter how far long I was, it was still a loss. This makes the grieving mother feel as if you are diminishing her grief. Many mothers have already built a connection with their baby even if they are still in the first trimester.

You’ll get pregnant again/ You can try again. I know that. But I wanted THIS baby. Telling a grieving mother this is of no help. The goal is not just getting pregnant, it’s actually having a baby. 

Did you hear So and So is pregnant?! Of course I heard. I have access to facebook too. Please remember to be sensitive around those who have lost. This does not mean you can’t talk about anything baby related, it just means to do so with tact. 

When are you trying again? If I wanted to share this with you I’d bring it up. Please don’t ask nosy questions. Most women will only share with you what they feel comfortable with. Please do not put grieving women on the spot to answer your questions, especially if you have never experienced the loss of a child yourself.

You’re young. It will happen for you. No sh** Sherlock. I know I’m young and can get pregnant again. This does not change the fact that I’m still grieving and you can't just replace one baby with another.

It won’t happen again. You can’t promise this to somebody who suffers a miscarriage. Although it’s uncommon, it is a real possibility. If it is to happen again the woman will feel like she’s failed in some way and she will most likely remember you have said this to her. Please prevent yourself from putting your foot in your mouth.

At least you weren’t as far along as So and So when she miscarried. Please don’t make me feel as my grief should be less than somebody else’s. Yes, somebody in their 2^nd or 3^rd trimester was able to build that bond with their baby longer, but that does not mean I should feel any less sad.

God must have wanted that baby more than you did. Yes folks, these exact words were said to me. I know what the person meant. But, wrong delivery. NOBODY wanted this baby more than me. Period.

Time heals all wounds. ‎"It has been said time heals all wounds… I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting it’s sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it’s never gone.” -Rose Kennedy

While I hope that nobody you know ever has to go through the pain of a miscarriage, I know that realistically, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in her life. Hopefully, this post will help you to be more sensitive if a friend/family member of yours does experience a loss. Stay tuned for tomorrow's post What To Say to a Miscarriage Survivor.

Please remember, these are my personal reflections and every woman grieves differently.