Difficult days for Miscarriage Survivors

As my expected due date drew nearer and nearer, my anxiety and depression grew more and more. September 21st. The day I was supposed to be due with our first child.

When somebody loses a loved one, others are sensitive to the fact that certain holidays and dates will be harder. But when a woman loses a baby most people don't realize there's certain dates that are hard for her too. I wanted to write this post to draw attention to a few of those tough dates that miscarriage survivors have to endure.

1. The day she originally found out she was pregnant.
 For me this is January 13th. It was the happiest day of my life (other than my wedding day) but now in the future it will always be a day that reminds me of what I've lost.

2. The day she found out she had lost her baby.
This one is two fold for me as I had a missed miscarriage. March 13th will always be a dark day as it was the day I found out I lost our baby. But equally as tough? The day I had my D&C (March 18th). There's no way to erase the pain of this day and year after year I will have to relive that pain over and over again.

3. Her expected due date.

The days leading up to the EDD are agonizing. September 21st was my EDD and I couldn't help but dread it. This is perhaps the worst day for a miscarriage survivor. Knowing that this was supposed to be the day you finally got to hold your baby in your arms is heartbreaking. This was supposed to be the day you finally got to meet your little one. Instead, you get to spend it alone, no longer pregnant and not holding your child.

4. Mother's Day.

When you're the mother to a child lost, people tend to forget that you are still a mother. Yes, I don't have my child here to hold but I still am a mother to a baby in heaven. This past Mother's day I spent the day thinking about what could have been. I spent the day being angry, depressed, jealous and a whole mess of emotions.

5. The day she finds out she's pregnant again.

There will be joy, elation and happiness for the child growing inside me... But also anxiety, panic and dread that I will lose this child too. Unfortunately, any future pregnancies I will experience will be leave me paralyzed with fear and longing for the child I've lost.

6. When she finds out a friend/loved one is pregnant.
This can only be described as bittersweet. On one had you feel completely over the moon happy for your friend/loved one, but at the same time you feel insanely jealous and depressed and wish it was you.

These are just a few examples of tough dates that miscarriage survivors encounter. It's different for every woman. Some women aren't bothered by certain dates, while others are.

This list is by no means all inclusive, but it does give a good idea of how often that pain can resurface. I hope this is will help remind those who haven't suffered a miscarriage that although healing does occur, some scars just don't go away. 

Life After Miscarriage: Avoidance

Any lady out there who has experienced a miscarriage will know exactly what I mean when I say this: After a miscarriage, baby and pregnancy related stuff seems to everywhere. 

I can't seem avoid it. 

I feel like I'm being haunted and it follows me everywhere.

I turn on Friends looking for some comic relief. It's an episode where Rachel is pregnant. Or one where Phoebe is pregnant. Or one where Monica is dealing with her fertility struggles.

I turn on a childhood favorite, Full House. That show ought to be some good clean fun, right? Nope. I happen to tune into an episode where Becky is pregnant with the twins. 

I log into Facebook (knowing this could happen) and somebody posts a picture of their baby bump. Or somebody announces their pregnancy. Of course I'm happy for these women but I also struggle with wanting to throw my computer across the room.

Head over to Pinterest for some DIY ideas and maybe a sinful recipe or two. What shows up in my home feed? Nursery ideas, maternity photo ideas, baby articles and on and on.

Decided to watch a movie one afternoon waiting for my husband to get home. Awwww... Marley & Me, a movie about a family and their dog. I can watch this! This movie came out in 2009... I randomly decide to watch it 4 years later not knowing there's a scene where Jenifer Aniston's character finds out she has had a missed miscarriage. This scene is almost exactly the way I found out. (Except my husband wasn't there with me). Cue sobbing for the next hour.  Of course.

Same thing happened the other night when I tried to watch What to Expect When You're Expecting. I thought it was going to be a fun comedy about women going through their first pregnancy together. But of course, there's a miscarriage scene. (I know, I know. I shouldn't be watching any movies like this right now, but I thought it was a straight up comedy!)

I CANNOT ESCAPE THIS.

And all this is just from the comfort of my own home...

Go out into the real world. Um... Now I'm faced with real life preggos everywhere, right in front of me.

I started my new job recently. One of my first days they had me shadow an employee at the call center so I could see what they do. Who do I happen to get put with? The woman my age who's expecting her first child. She was wonderful and super cool, but it was awful to listen to her talk about her baby and see her pregnant belly. She was the ONLY pregnant woman working at our call center, and of course, I was put with her!

My second week I get put at a branch to shadow a coworker. Who is her manager? Another adorable pregnant woman. I spent a whole week with this woman fighting feelings of jealously and sadness. I truly adored the woman, but it still hard for me, even 4 months later.

Life just seems to be an emotional roller coaster that I came seem to get off of.

Avoidance doesn't work. It's inescapable.

What To Say To a Miscarriage Survivor

Yesterday I wrote about what not to say to a miscarriage survivor. I felt it was important to start with the negative because so many people don't even realize that what they are saying is hurtful.While there seems to be so many more wrong things to say, I wanted to highlight that saying the right thing can make a difference.

I truly believe that miscarriage is unfairly brushed under the table in our society. It's taboo to talk about and women often stay quiet when they suffer a loss. Because of this, people often don't know what to say when a loss does occur. Here's a guideline of what you can say if a friend/family member of yours suffers a miscarriage.

What To Say To A Miscarriage Survivor

I am so sorry for your loss. A miscarriage is exactly that, a loss. Please treat it as you would any other loss.

How are you? Asking this simple open ended question and actually meaning it (not just using it when greeting somebody) means more than you can know. 

You and your family are in my prayers. As somebody of faith, this simple act is always a source of comfort to me.

I’m here for you. This is one of the best things you can say. It lets her know that you care but doesn’t put pressure on her to open up if she isn’t ready or answer a bunch of  questions.

Is there anything I can do for you? Most likely, she will say no but it’s the thought that counts. Just knowing that you care enough to ask is enough. And if there is something she wants from you, be respectful that she felt comfortable enough to ask. 

Please remember, everybody grieves differently. Be conscious of a miscarriage survivor’s needs. Some women want to do nothing but be alone, others want constant support and companionship. If she shows signs of wanting to be alone, give her space but don't disappear completely. If she seems to want you around, then stick around. Personally, I wanted a little bit of both. Some days I preferred to be alone with my thoughts and emotions, but other days I wanted a “mental escape.” 

I’ve been so lucky that my best friend, Stephanie, has been able to provide that for me. She’s spent a lot of time with me the last two months and she seems to know exactly what I need. We’ve gone on a road trip, went running, watched movies, been shopping and million other little things that take my mind off of the depression I’ve been feeling. She hasn’t pressured me to talk about my grief, but she always has an open ear when I do want to talk about it. And I will never be able to thank her enough for it.

While I hope that nobody you know ever has to go through the pain of a miscarriage, I know that realistically, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in her life. My hope is that after reading this you will better know how to handle talking with a woman who has experienced a loss.

What Not to say to a Miscarriage Survivor

I wrote this post because I feel miscarriage isn't talked about enough in our society, which makes people unsure of what to say when it does happen. This is by no means an all inclusive list, but just a sampling of things that were personally said to me. Hopefully, this will help whoever reads this post to be more sensitive if they ever have a friend/family member experience loss.

Disclaimer: If my friends/family feel they might have said one of these things to me, please don't feel guilty. I know nobody said anything to be malicious and purposely hurt my feelings during this difficult time.

What NOT to say to a Miscarriage Survivor

At least you weren’t very far along. It doesn’t matter how far long I was, it was still a loss. This makes the grieving mother feel as if you are diminishing her grief. Many mothers have already built a connection with their baby even if they are still in the first trimester.

You’ll get pregnant again/ You can try again. I know that. But I wanted THIS baby. Telling a grieving mother this is of no help. The goal is not just getting pregnant, it’s actually having a baby. 

Did you hear So and So is pregnant?! Of course I heard. I have access to facebook too. Please remember to be sensitive around those who have lost. This does not mean you can’t talk about anything baby related, it just means to do so with tact. 

When are you trying again? If I wanted to share this with you I’d bring it up. Please don’t ask nosy questions. Most women will only share with you what they feel comfortable with. Please do not put grieving women on the spot to answer your questions, especially if you have never experienced the loss of a child yourself.

You’re young. It will happen for you. No sh** Sherlock. I know I’m young and can get pregnant again. This does not change the fact that I’m still grieving and you can't just replace one baby with another.

It won’t happen again. You can’t promise this to somebody who suffers a miscarriage. Although it’s uncommon, it is a real possibility. If it is to happen again the woman will feel like she’s failed in some way and she will most likely remember you have said this to her. Please prevent yourself from putting your foot in your mouth.

At least you weren’t as far along as So and So when she miscarried. Please don’t make me feel as my grief should be less than somebody else’s. Yes, somebody in their 2^nd or 3^rd trimester was able to build that bond with their baby longer, but that does not mean I should feel any less sad.

God must have wanted that baby more than you did. Yes folks, these exact words were said to me. I know what the person meant. But, wrong delivery. NOBODY wanted this baby more than me. Period.

Time heals all wounds. ‎"It has been said time heals all wounds… I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind protecting it’s sanity covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it’s never gone.” -Rose Kennedy

While I hope that nobody you know ever has to go through the pain of a miscarriage, I know that realistically, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage in her life. Hopefully, this post will help you to be more sensitive if a friend/family member of yours does experience a loss. Stay tuned for tomorrow's post What To Say to a Miscarriage Survivor.

Please remember, these are my personal reflections and every woman grieves differently.